Only One Past to Look On
by tanni
Summary: “He had searched the known universe for a future a place he could call a home, and his emotions had lead him back to the Earth back to her.” Please Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

"Only One Past to Look On"

By: Tanni

A/N: Alright, this is an introduction to a bigger storyline. Sorry to all of those people who were reading my other stories, Gundam Wing has been a fleeting fandom for me but for some reason this story just kind of mutated itself in my brain and spilled out on paper...-- Oh yeah, don't own the show...

* * *

Sickness, in the form of depression, was now his constant companion. Languid movements seemed to be all his body was capable of as he lumbered up to the sign which read BEER HERE in glowing katakana. The ally which harbored this small bar was dank and dark, and the smell of wet asphalt wafted up into his nose from a result of five previous nights of pouring rain. Having come back to the country he held heritage with only proved to invoke unwanted emotions. As he entered the bar, he aimed to quell those emotions.

It was a small hole-in-the-wall place, but Heero couldn't have cared less. All he cared about was the hard liquor it carried.

The place was cramped with people. More people, it appeared, were in here than the room could hold. And if Heero had given it any thought, he would have noted the whole country was like that. Ignoring some of the looks he received from various women around the bar area, he trudged on forward, determined to reach that bottle which he would kill, or die for, to have in his possession. In a mundane fashion, the large, over weight bar tender greeted Heero with a curt nod and asked him what he wished to drink. Heero looked towards the many bottles of whisky lining the wall.

"A shot of that." The bar tender nodded and went about pouring the orange tan liquid, and then set down the full shot glass and the bottle beside it. Heero handed the man a wad of yen, "That should take care of everything." He mumbled. The bartender nodded again and went about his own business.

Heero stared down at the glass in his hand, and then gulped it down like it was water. He poured another glass full and drank that. The strong liquid swirled around his tongue, and then dripped down his throat. He could feel the buzz, but he still felt as miserable as he had when he walked in.

The bottle slowly started to drain as his slightly intoxicated mind drifted off into a cloud of memories…

* * *

"A one way ticket to L-1 X38-412, adult." The ticket agent nodded, her blond curls bouncing up and down.

"Front of the shuttle, middle, or rear?"

Heero shrugged, "Anywhere is fine."

"Alright. There's the most space in the rear." Heero nodded. "Please show me your exit visa and identification." Heero pulled out his wallet from his jeans rear pocket and extracted his fake ID and visa. "Thank you." She said and briefly glanced at his picture and then his face. "Do you have any baggage?"

He shook his head, "No, only one carry on."

She nodded, "Okay. Here is your ticket," she smiled and handed him the piece of thin, printed, cardboard paper that read 'Welcome to colony flight lines' on the top, "Your seat is 22 b on flight A12. Have a nice flight!" He nodded once and headed to the A12 gate, laptop bag in hand.

* * *

The 20 ounce bottle was almost empty. "How about another one?" the bartender asked.

Heero nodded and pulled out some more yen. The bartender set down the bottle on the counter top and broke the plastic seal. Heero sipped down the little dregs of whisky that was left in the bottom of the small glass before handing the empty shot glass to the large bartender. The big man filled the tiny glass and watched as the younger of the two drank. A thin sheen of sweat lined Heero's brow. His jeans jacket suddenly felt like a portable heater, as well as his jeans pants. His heart rate built up speed, and he could hear it thumping erratically in his chest. The alcohol was kicking in. Over the years he had inadvertently built up resistance to alcohol from all of his drunken nights. Now it took a lot to get him only slightly drunk. However, his body was only so strong…

* * *

Heero quickly looked over his NCPD application paper before handing it to the woman at the front desk. Towards the edge of the metal colored desk rested her name plaque which read 'Nora Jonese, head secretary of Neo Costeanos Police Department.' Neo Costeanos was a city on L-1. The woman looked up through her slightly tinted glasses at the young man before her.

"I'm applying for an active duty job." said Heero.

She nodded, "Alright, do you have an application?"

"Yes." Heero answered back and handed the paper to her. Her hazel eyes briefly looked over the piece of paper before placing it on her desk.

"Alright…" she glanced at the name on his application, "Alexander Ensver." He could no longer reside on the colonies with a name like Heero Yuy. That name, though it was only a rumor, was said to also be the name of a Gundam pilot. He didn't want anyone knocking on his door, asking about the war. "We'll give you a call if we like you," she said, joking lamely. Her job must be pretty boring, "And we'll have you brought in for your entry physical. Ya' got any questions?" Heero shook his head, and headed for the exit.

Sure enough, he was called back and they had given him an appointment to see a Dr.Melensaworth for his entry physical. The appointment would be in three days; Heero made sure to lay off the bottle for a while.

The three days had passed, but his yearning for his whisky didn't. And he found that right as he left the Doctor's office, he headed strait for the bottle. That night he had dreamt of the pretty nurse that had been flirting with him in the examination room. She had been a woman with dark brown hair, almost like his own, and rose red lips. As the dream went on the woman's hair had slowly turned to a sandy blond, and her rose red lips turned to a pale pink. Her eyes glistened with the blue of the sky, and all he could do was stare, and pine for her love.

After that dream, he found himself murmuring her name out loud more than he was used to. Had she really gotten to him this time? Or was it all just thought up in his crazed imagination?

No, he thought, it doesn't mean anything. I'm just remembering her, that's all.

He had told Duo, before he had left Earth, that he was going to miss her. At the time, he hadn't seen Relena Darlian since she had attended his high school graduation ceremony in the year 198.

I'll see her again someday, he had told himself, just not anytime soon. Now isn't the time to be with her, in this time of peace she has a greater burden than to worry and think about me. She has to maintain the peace that we've all worked hard for, her being the most.

He kept telling himself that, until the day that his partner, Jackson, caught him staring at the TV screen with longing in his eyes as the SDNC News broadcasted her speech to the United Nations.

Jack lightly chuckled, "Yeah, I know she's pretty, huh Alex?" Heero slowly tore his eyes from the television screen and turned to glare at his partner. Jack only laughed at Heero's reaction. "You, and half of the male population, have got eyes for the Foreign Minister. Don't feel so alone, Alex." It unnerved him that Jack could read almost all of his thoughts, as if he were an open magazine on a coffee table. It kind of reminded Heero of an older and more settled Duo…which also unnerved him. Too many things; too many people reminded him of the world he tried, obviously in vain, to escape. He no longer wanted to look upon his past, all he was trying to do was find his future.

* * *

With that memory, a bitter smile played itself across Heero's lips. It had been foolish of him to think he could see her again, with those specific thoughts of romanticism involved. Because, shortly after that year, in September of AC 203, Relena Darlian became Relena Crossfield. She was married to a highly esteemed colonial representative: Jeffrey Crossfield.

* * *

He had been in the Vice Foreign minister's service for only a few short months by now, but he had known the minister for a great portion of her life. And he felt it necessary that she hear what his opinion was about her "highly esteemed colonial representative".

"I think he's a liar to the people of the colonies." Relena turned away from the limousine's door to face her security chief. She no longer held the look of a child, but rather, the look of a well hardened woman with years of experience and tons of responsibility loaded onto her back.

"And, why do you say that, Heero?" It seemed, to Heero at least, that everything he said she challenged these days. If he told her a security risk was being taken by her action, she would challenge his authority on the matter. She didn't _listen_ to him anymore. Dodging her question, or rather, choosing to forget about it, he posed another question of his own.

"Since when did my opinion in matters become so irrelevant?" Relena sighed and entered the limousine, and Heero followed behind her, eager to know what her reason was.

"Your opinion isn't irrelevant, I just don't see it's founding. Why would you say something like that? You know, he and I _are _going to be married soon…" she leaned over and fastened her safety buckle, "I'd prefer you not to say threatening things to his integrity." She paused in her speech, idly staring out the window thinking about whatever seemed to go through her head these days, "And as for you thinking I believe your opinion is irrelevant," she began again, "I suppose, it only seems that way to you, because we haven't been around each other that much in these past few years." All he could do was look down at his leather shoes that went with his suit. "We've changed," she looked over and smiled slightly, "I've changed. I guess, I just…" she appeared to hesitate for a moment, but Heero knew what she was going to say, "…don't need you as much, anymore. I'm grown up now, and so are you."

* * *

The bottle was half empty; his mind reeled from its normal state, not comprehending the noises around him. But he just sat there, on the bar stool, not caring what the noises were. He eventually was able to make out the murmurs of life in the bar, but he couldn't comprehend what they were saying, or even if it was in the same language that he spoke. What was his language; could he even remember? He groaned and rested his head on the bar table. The over furnished surface only stuck to his sweaty forehead and bangs, and at the same time the world lurched forward with the movement of his head. He brought it back up to its normal upright position, and again, he had to fight the swirling, tipping world that he seemed to reside in.

He felt, to put it bluntly, like a piece of shit.

The room felt too stuffy, so he left his unfinished bottle of Jack Daniels for the cool night air. But the inside of his body still burned with his sickening intoxication. He walked, or at least he tried to, over to the bus station on the corner of the street. He received a few odd stares and some people leaned away from him as he passed them by. He sat down, with his mind still reeling, and groaned again. Everybody seemed to be staring at him, as if he was some monstrosity that had crawled out of the sewer that was only ten feet away from him. Maybe he did crawl out of the sewer, and not the bar. He sure as hell felt like he had. Half of his brain seemed to go on auto pilot, while the other half tried to figure out what was going on in their drunken state. Duo was right; maybe he had been loosing brain cells.

Heero found himself, at least an hour later; at the motel room he was staying at trying to figure out how to fit his card key into its slot. Even through all this, minus his common sense, he noticed a presence coming from behind him. He whirled around and was met with a woman whose height barely managed to reach past the center of his chest. She looked like a hooker by the way she was dressed. A short, Japanese hooker. Heero scowled down at her small frame. She reached out to his hand and plucked the card key from it. "Let me show you how it's done." She said in the native language.

Heero watched as her small hands pushed the flimsy white card key into the slot and then out, and the green light flickered on. The door creaked open and the woman looked up at him suggestively. He caught what she was thinking, even through his drunken haze, and was almost tempted to accept. She looked cheap, or at least affordable. But still, a part of him felt disgusted with the knowledge that Relena was on the same island, let alone in the same city while he would be doing something like that…even though that same thing was probably what she was doing right at that very moment. But not with a hooker, but with her-

Heero's mind stopped his train of thought and looked back down at the woman to the left of him, and said "I'm not interested." His hazy mind had begun to clear miraculously. At first, the woman didn't seem to comprehend and as realization dawned on her, so did her anger. Her eyes glared at him and she stalked off, annoyed that she had been rejected by some foreigner, and a drunken one at that. Heero watched as the hooker he had almost slept with walked away down the indoor carpeted hallway. He glanced back into the room that he had spent the night in for the past three nights.

The interior decorator must have been drunk or half asleep when they designed the place. Odd colors made up the bed sheets and curtains consisting of off-colors such as teal, and a strange dark shade of purple. And then to top it all off, sandy gold colored trimmings for all the fabric articles in the room.

'A sandy gold coloring, kind'a like Relena's hair.'… Heero shook his head. Why did all of his thoughts have to eventually lead back to her?

He had no control over his thoughts when it came to Relena; she always seemed to find a place in his mind, and as some might speculate, she had a place in his heart. Their relationship was, to state it lightly, an odd one. He was her temporary Preventer escort, or her body guard. A position that was well respected amongst all others in the field; it was a very professional position. And then, to serve the highly exalted Foreign Minister was an even greater position all the more, and Heero was the lucky Preventer to hold that position. His career was supposedly a rewarding one; a career that he should be proud of. Yet, he still found something lacking; he still felt as empty as he had years ago, even before he had started drinking.

He had searched the known universe for a future; a place he could call a home, and his emotions had led him back to the Earth; back to her. The Earth was beautiful, just as Relena was beautiful, and the Earth had always had pull on him like Earth's gravity had a pull on fallen objects, just like Relena did. And the Earth had no idea what sort of strength and hope it held for its people, just like Relena. No matter how hard Heero tried to, he knew, even if only unconsciously, that he would always come back to them both. Ever since Heero had washed up on the shore of Earth he had been drawn back to it, and he felt the same for the girl who found him on the ocean's coast.

Sighing, Heero ran his fingers through his messy dark brown hair, and collapsed on the motel room's retro colored bed. The mattress was hard and stiff under his back, which only served to increase his discomfort and his headache. There were times were he would lie on the bed of where ever he was staying at the time and just think. He thought about his past, and what his future might hold. He thought about what things could have turned out to be like if he done some things differently, like if he had stayed in school. But his mind would always wonder off, back to that dreadful past that all he wanted to do was forget.

* * *

Duo looked at him oddly, probably wondering if his friend had really gone insane or not.

"Let me get this straight, we've been helping with plans for this fucking wedding for, I don't know how long. We've spent shit loads of money on tuxes; Relena has made it crystal clear that we _have_ to show up for the ceremony, especially you, _and_ not to mention we both went to that God forsaken rehearsal that lasted forever-and-a-half," Duo scratched the back of his head vigorously trying to make sense of everything, "and you want to _bail_ out!"

Abandoning his tuxedo in the bag it came in on the one-seater sofa, Heero sat down on the floor in front of the television, ice-cold beer in one hand and remote in the other. He randomly flipped through channels, not really paying attention, but not wanting to pay attention to Duo, either.

"I don't feel good," He said blandly and continued flipping the remote switch.

"You don't feel good," Duo repeated incredulously and frowned, "what the hell does that mean?" He studied his friend's facial expression of nothing for a few moments before sitting down on the floor beside him, "Dude, buddy…Relena is our friend. She's getting _married_ today, the least we can do is show up as the happy frickin' guests we're supposed to be."

The channel switched to the live programming of the Vice Foreign Minister's "Pre-Wedding Show". A picture of the groom was displayed proudly on the screen before them, and all it managed to do was make Heero truly sick.

"Tell me, Duo, how am I supposed to be happy for her when she's marrying _that?"_ he jabbed at the screen violently with the remote. Duo, in bewilderment, looked from Heero to the picture of Jeffrey Crossfield.

"Jeff? What the hell's wrong with him?"

"Just forget about it," Heero snapped and got up quickly to pace around the room, "You should go if you want to make it on time," He glanced towards the screen, and at seeing the reporter talk to the groom's parents, as well as Relena's mother, he said, "It looks like it's gonna start soon. Better get going."

"Heero…" Duo started, but was cut off.

"Just go, you can tell her I didn't feel well."

The two men who where once best friends and comrades in arms now seemed like light-years apart. Heero refused to make eye contact, and so Duo was forced to talk without seeing his friend's expression.

"Fine. But I don't think this has anything to do with you not "feeling well". You're hiding something, but knowing you, no one will find out unless you really want them to." And then Duo grabbed his jacket from the kitchen counter and, before leaving, said, "Now, all that matters is if you really want them to."

* * *

"I don't." he mumbled to himself, concentrating further on the ceiling. The pattern made odd shapes in his imagination, each shadow turning into a familiar object. A gun rested clearly on the ceiling, and near that gun, many rounds scattered around clips sat, motionless, but there. If he looked harder, he could make out the rim of a shot glass staring at him, and past that the controls of Wing Zero, long dead, could be seen. His hand, with a mind of its own, reached out for those controls…the controls of power…and he felt the cool metallic handle bar sit comfortably in his hand. It was such a familiar; empowering feeling. He could do anything.

Pulling the bed sheet around her chest, Relena rolled away from her husband and picked up the stationary COM system laying on the night stand.

"What are you doing, Relena?" Jeff mumbled, half asleep. "It's, like…three in the morning…"

"I need to call Heero," she told him and she could hear him mumble something under his breath. Jefferson Crossfield was not a big fan of his wife's body guard.

"What the hell for?"

"I need to tell him to get here an hour early, since I'd like to leave at six rather than seven…" before picking up the mouth piece, she leaned back towards her husband, "Is that alright?"

"Yeah, yeah…Wait. I need to attend to some business while I'm here, and that's going to take place tomorrow as well. So you're going to have to go by yourself to the conference. That okay?"

"Oh," Relena looked down at her lap, staring at the odd patterns the sheets made when they were crinkled up in the dark, "alright. So I'll be gone by six, instead of seven."

"Yeah, and I'll be sleeping then, like I should be _now_." Relena ignored his comment, hitting the AUDIO ONLY button on the COM system before dialing the number of Heero's motel room. He always insisted on staying in a different motel, rather than whatever hotel she was at, and paying for it himself. It was typical Heero behavior, but she just wished that sometimes he would allow her to help him. However, as long as she knew he was alright…that's all that really mattered in the end.

"Heero?" she spoke when she heard a grunt on the other end.

"Relena?" she could hear his stern voice issue forth a small bit of worry, "Is everything alright?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you, it's just that…" she could feel Jeff shift on his side of the bed, and she could tell he was annoyed. And suddenly _she_ became annoyed. "I wanted to talk to you…" Jeff could never understand just how much Heero was important to her, "…about tomorrow morning."

"What is it?"

"Well, you see…" she glanced over towards Jeff, but all she could see was his sheet clad back and shoulders. She could tell he wasn't sleeping, however. "I was wondering if you could wake up an hour early, since I was planning on leaving at six, rather than seven."

"Alright." She could just picture his nod when he said that, "I'll be there at six A.M., sharp; everything ready." Relena couldn't help the small smile from brightening her features.

"Thank you, Heero." Jeff shifted again, grunting as he did so.

"Of course, Relena…" he paused, and suddenly Relena could feel herself as that same fifteen year old girl who had convinced herself she was in love with a boy she barely knew, "It's my job." And so of course, with that last feeling looming over her as she hung up the phone with the man she once was in love with, buried emotions rose from their deep graves inside of suffocated hearts, and bitterness for the past regrets stained the future inside all of their minds. But there was one thing Relena could think about, and become happy while doing so: the boy she barely knew, and the man she learned to love for himself. There was only one past to look upon, and Relena had promised herself her entire life she would look upon it with a smile.

* * *

Katakana: A form of Japanese writing, used for foreign words and names. ア,ル,フ,ァ,ベ,ッ,ト

A/N: Okay, this is just the introduction to something much bigger...I'm writing it right now, but I'd really appreciate some feed back. (Hopefuly you guys arn't like the Will & Grace crowed...except for one person...bless them..) Anyway, so yes, I'd appreciate feed back; tell me what you think. Tell me if you don't like it, if you think it's too...blah, or depressing or whatever. And hey, if I'm lucky, tell me if you liked it! Hah hah...


	2. Chapter 2

"Only One Past to Look On" Part two.

Heero rubbed his eye a little, annoyed with the wind blowing his hair in his face and obstructing his vision. He could tell Relena was having the same thoughts as she exited her limousine behind him, her long blond hair whirling about in the wind. She chuckled as they ascended the steps to the conference hall, pulling a thick bundle of her hair in front of her to keep it from becoming any more winded.

"I guess we both need hair cuts, huh, Heero?"

He shrugged, pushing the thick glass doors open for the both of them. "Hn." She smiled up at him, despite his unenthusiasm, and pulled her brief case closer to her body. She seemed slightly intimidated by all of the rushing government workers in the building, speaking rapidly in a language she couldn't understand. A woman approached the two of them, introducing herself in broken English.

"Hi," Relena held out her hand, watching as the woman took it hesitantly, "I'm Vice Foreign Minister Darlian." She turned to Heero, "And this is my head of security, Heero Yuy." Heero bowed at the woman in a respectful 45 degree angle.

"It's nice to meet you," he told her in the most polite Japanese he could remember. She smiled brightly at him, telling him she was to be their guide to the conference hall. As the three of them walked towards the elevator, Relena couldn't help but wonder if she was doing of the culture things correctly, like she was told to in foreign customs.

"Was I supposed to bow?" she asked Heero in a whisper. He shrugged, taking the lead in front of her.

"Doesn't really matter. No one expects anything of you."

"Oh…" She wasn't quite sure what he meant. "Alright." They remained silent for the rest of the brisk walk to the meeting. Relena ignored whatever hesitations she felt about not paying attention to her surroundings, and mentally prepared herself for the onslaught of political abuse she knew she was to receive at this particular session. All twelve colonial representatives of the L-4 and L-5 clusters would be present…Relena silently wished that her husband could have been one of the representatives…but he represented a cluster of L-1. There was still political unrest amongst them all; even after all these years.

They came upon the large double doors of the hall. In the past, the site of them would have intimidated Relena. But now, she felt nothing could stop her. Their guide turned around and smiled at them, allowing them entrance. Ambassador Fredrick Marc sat at one end of the table, poised and ready for anything thrown at him. Relena, though she had never met him, had heard much of the great strategist and debater. He knew many tricks of persuasion; Relena just hoped she could keep one step ahead of him at all times. Even though they were supposed to be on the same side, she had a feeling their opinions might clash.

And this is where things would become only mildly interesting for Heero, as he stood off to the side like he wasn't there. No one took any notice of the tall, brooding security officer as they entered the room and sat down at the large wooden conference table. Not even the conference's host, Hideakio Shinuzawa, noticed anything in the room, save for his chair. It was then that Heero realized how concentrated these people must be when they entered these rooms. They had no eyes to see danger with, and so Heero took it as his full responsibility to be those eyes.

"People of the Colonial Representation," he could hear Relena address the now full table, "we've organized ourselves here today to discuss an issue that has been ongoing for the past six months, and has not yet been resolved. That issue is the isolated economy base that is present on colony clusters L-4 and L-5…" Numerous other voices could be heard echoing after hers, some agreeing and adding more onto her statement. Others arguing that nothing of the sort was true.

"I think," Ambassador Fredrick Marc spoke up in a powerful and controlling German accent, "the colonies, though they are unified with Earth, should follow the economy system that has been set up in places such as…" he smiled, looking over at their host Shinuzawa, "here, Japan. The economy here is thriving. If those clusters just where to follow their example, they could rise out of their debted ashes," Heero could visibly see all the colonial representatives grow stiff, "and thrive with rest of us all. For God's sake, even Mars is doing better than they are, and they're in terror formation." He heard Relena speak of nothing for a few moments as the room grew silent.

"What about fundings," she finally said, "as a sort of boost for their economy…To fix things that require fixing. The money for the supplies will create jobs, as well, and people will be working. If we all remember, gentlemen," she looked sternly at the colonial representatives in particular, "A bill was vetoed three years prior to now, a bill that would have created the Universal Dollar. But colony clusters L-4 and 5 decided to create their own currency. The treasury was corrupt, and inflammation grew exponentially."

"And now they need our help," Fredrick Marc mumbled.

"But where is this funding going to come from?" Shinuzawa spoke up, "Money can't grow from trees…"

"It's that damn Mars terror formation project that's funneling all of the money away from our cause!" a representative bellowed, slamming his fist into the table. Out of reflex, Heero stood poised to attack him if necessary. This sort of thing had happened before, but slamming fists had never been involved. Relena, however, refused to flinch and sat there calmly as he continued to scream at her. "It's just the goddamn Earth favoring itself, like it always has! This isn't unification! This is tyranny!" And all at once the colonial representatives erupted into similar shouts as many of the Earth representatives yelled back. It was chaos. Just complete chaos.

The representative continued bellowing at her and anyone else who he could scream at. But all of his words turned into a dull buzz in Relena's ear. She was numb to this sort of thing, mostly because it had happened so many times. Even when she was a child, she could remember people screaming at her father. They were all raving lunatics…

"That's enough," Heero barked, having been annoyed to the max with the shouting echoing off the walls. He stepped forward from the wall, as if he was a figure from a painting materializing out of thin air. Most of the people hadn't even realized he had been standing there, near wall, this whole time, as their shocked expressions were averted to him. Relena turned to look at him as well, a very unsettling blank expression over her face. Well, to the rest of them she looked normal, but to Heero…he just knew her too well.

"Fists are flying, and I don't much like it." He said and turned to the conference's host, "Mr. Shinuzawa, out of my experience with this sort of thing, I strongly recommend this meeting go into a two hour recess." He glared at all eyes at the table, challenging them to oppose him. As he did so, waiting for anyone to voice their protest, Relena couldn't help but stare. Lately…his eyes had been the most captivating sight…

"I agree," she spoke out, averting her eyes and turning to regroup the papers to put them in her brief case.

"As do I," Shinuzawa said, doing the same. Everyone else mumbled their agreements, leaving quickly. It was always embarrassing for them to face each other, especially the opposing side, after the conference. Both Relena and Heero did the same, leaving as quickly as the rest. She didn't stop to mingle with any of the bystanders that usually watched these conferences, as she usually did. She pressed on, Heero following closely behind her.

* * *

"Damn it," she mumbled to herself, pushing her plate of food aside, "I didn't get to say half of the things I wanted to. They're just so bent on being the victim of it all that they don't realize we're trying to help them." Heero, though he was listening, was taking in all their surroundings, finding himself very distracted whenever he looked at her. "It's as if they only want someone to blame. I'm so sick of this whole thing, and I've only attended the meeting for a few minutes," she confessed. "How am I going to get through the four other planned sessions?"

Only glancing up at her briefly, since the distraction of her was becoming more and more pronounced, he said, "You should tell them how you're willing to help, and if they don't want it, they can go screw themselves." For a moment, he could have sworn she was angry at what he said, though he hadn't bothered to look at her expression. If he had, he would have seen her eyes sparkle with laughter and a half smile spread across her features.

"Heero," she chuckled, "you've been spending way too much of your time on Earth." He shrugged, poking at a few noodles on his plate before eating them.

"I go wherever you go Relena," she smiled as he took a sip of water, "Earth, colonies…Mars…the Moon," he couldn't help but smile a little, remembering how she had taken an impromptu trip to the outlet stores there in search of a perfect gift for her mother's birthday. She had forgotten it, because she had been so busy, and so she wanted to do anything to please her mother. It was a typical Relena behavior.

"Thank you, Heero." She smiled at him, "I feel…better, about all of this." She reached across the table for his hand, and though he knew it to only be a friendly gesture on her part, he couldn't help but wonder if it was really something else. Tentatively, he held her hand for a while, realizing they probably looked like a couple to the other restaurant patrons, but not really caring. No one here knew them; no one here much cared. Here, in this moment, he felt like he could just be an average guy named Heero with a strained infatuation with a woman named Relena. And it was all perfectly fine.

Just as soon as he was about to lose all concentration on her, the familiar jingle of her cell phone went off, causing her hand to leave his. He missed the feeling immediately and couldn't help but wonder if he should be worried that he did. He watched her patiently, however, as she opened her cell phone and smiled, bringing it up to her ear.

"Jeff," she said, still smiling, "how are you? I haven't gotten to see you since…" her mind trailed off to last night, and she remembered how annoyed she was with him; how irritating he could sometimes be. "Since last night, I suppose…" she trailed off again, leaving the faint murmurs of his voice to be picked up by Heero's keen ears. Though he never admitted it to himself, it bothered him somewhat whenever he heard the two of them speak to each other.

Releasing a small sigh through his nose, Heero leaned back in his chair, finding everything else around him somewhat boring. The food seemed bland, the air too humid; the chair too uncomfortable. He knew this feeling, though he hadn't experienced it much through out his life. It was a feeling of restlessness that usually built up in situations such as this. When he had been on the Neo Costeonos police force a few years prior he would become restless, waiting for convicted felons to fall to justice in the eyes of all whom they had done wrong. He remembered the hunt, the chase, which would bring him closer to his enemies, and he remembered the thrill it invoked in him. He loved the rush of adrenaline pulsing through his veins, providing purpose for a seemingly purposeless body and soul. But then, looking back at his memory of Relena, sitting there, smiling, holding his hand, showing him the affection he would allow no one else to bestow upon him but her…he couldn't help but wonder. And be confused.

"…You want to have dinner tonight?" She seemed a bit sad to Heero. Though, he didn't know why. She was supposed to be a happily married woman with a strong career…wasn't she? Just as he was supposed to be happy with a fulfilling career. The war was over…the promise of happiness was infinite. "…Alright. With Rachel Martin, too? …Well, I'm not complaining, it's just that, that's already six people…Of course I'm happy, Jeff." The possibilities of happiness were infinite, or so it had been believed. "Don't say that…No, it's fine. I'll see you at eight…bye." And happiness could always be professed, even if it _was_ all a lie.

"That was Jeff," Relena told Heero casually, taking a sip of her water. "He wants to have dinner, would you like to come with me?" He supposed it was a lie he didn't mind playing along with. At least for now.

"Yeah…sure. Sounds good." The two of them were quiet for a few moments more. Relena seemed especially interested in the table's pattern, as she stroked the surface with her finger nail over and over again. He could tell she wanted to say something. But he wasn't the type to ask, so the thought of doing so had never crossed his mind, until she started it all.

"Aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?" she murmured, still stroking the surface of the pattern.

"I wasn't really planning on it." She glanced up at him, a bit confused. "I figured, you'd tell me when you wanted to." She nodded a little, and he could see a whisper of her tongue whip out to moisten her lips. Her eyes were downcast. It was almost an expression of shame, though Heero couldn't figure out why she would feel so.

"Thank you." She murmured again. "For never asking me, Heero. Even though that's what most women want from their…" He rose one eye brow up, very curious as to what she might reveal in this odd little confession of hers. But she only looked up at him, a typical politician's fake smile over her lips. "…friends."

"Relena, I will do anything you for you. Anything at all." He paused, finding it so foreign for him to voice something out loud that they both knew to be fact in their hearts.

"And for that, Heero…I am eternally grateful to you." This is the moment Duo had warned him about since they were 16. That moment were he would look into her eyes and not be able to glance away. It was that moment that could last only for a moment, and then it was gone. Yet, strangely, it was still a lingering one. Duo had called it love. Heero had called it madness.

"We should probably get back to the conference hall." He mumbled, standing up. "We're due back in 15 minuets." Relena nodded, standing up along with him.

"I see. Alright." And then the moment was gone as she strode off a few paces in front of him. They always kept their distance while walking. Heero wasn't sure whether it was a conscious decision on Relena's part or not—seeing as they were under constant scrutiny by tabloids and newspapers—but he had decided long ago to humor her. So he would walk five paces behind her, all the time, no matter where they were. It gave off more of a formal and business-like appearance, anyhow, which was absolutely desirable for her public image.

Deciding to not think about odd things, such as Relena's public image with him, he concentrated on routine perimeter checks that he'd usually perform mentally before entering any new room with her as his charge. But again, like always, there was nothing. Not that he wanted a threat to be posed against her, but after a while of checking for danger and never finding any, it became very mundane and boring. These days, he really needed a hobby.

"Heero," she had begun again and he glanced around, noticing he had unconsciously walked into the elevator with her, "we're probably going to be here for at least three more days; maybe even more. I was thinking…you seem restless." She glanced up into his eyes briefly before hitting the button which would take them to the 58th floor. "And I know escorting me to these conferences must be very boring for you. So I thought maybe you'd like to take on a side task. It would probably be something Une would give you for Preventer work, I'm guessing. Just anything to keep you from being bored…"

"I'm not bored," he mumbled. Sometimes her shared thoughts with his could be irritating, sometimes helpful. He couldn't really decide which he felt at the moment. Relena chuckled a little, but it was a bitter chuckle that held none of her joy. Not that she had much joy in her laughs these days.

"Heero, don't lie. If _I'm_ bored with all of this, I know you _must_ be. Believe me Heero, I'm already sick to death of this conference, and it hasn't even been that long, but I have to be here. You don't, necessarily." He decided she was being irritating. Leaning back on the elevator, bored already with the conversation and the fact that the elevator appeared to be the slowest one ever made, he crossed his arms and rested his chin on his chest.

"Forget it, Relena. It doesn't matter if I'm bored; it doesn't really matter if you're bored, either. This is our job." She sighed, vexed, and mimicked Heero's crossed arms.

"Fine. I just thought you might be able to get out of this purgatory, even if I couldn't." A small whisper of a smile played at the corner of his lips as he spoke in his monotone that was most familiar to her.

"Hn. Thanks for the thought."

"I completely rejected the idea of coming here to the President. We've tried these negotiations before, and they always result in the same behavior." Her tone grew deeper with some sort of resentment that Heero hadn't even realized was there up until this point. "Representatives from the colonies believe Earth representatives only want to force them into anything that will suit them, which is a complete lie. L-4 and L-5's government is totally corrupt; especially their treasury system. No one really even gives a damn, and I've begun to wonder if even I do myself." Heero glanced at her sharply; surprised she felt this way at all. She was angry. He hadn't seen her so angry since the day he showed up months after her wedding, which he didn't even bother to attend. "After a while, when no one cares, it's hard to care yourself! If the whole idea is so lackluster to everyone, nothing is ever going to get done, Heero!" She had taken to pressing her folded fist into her chest, her knuckles white and her blue eyes hating every word she had said aloud, though they both knew them to be true.

And then there was that odd, sinking feeling that could only be experienced in an elevator or in the cockpit of a mobile suite.

"What the…?" he mumbled, though he knew exactly what was happening, even as the elevator lurched to screeching halt.

"Did the…did the elevator just…stop moving?" Relena mumbled, uncrossing her arms and looking up at the ceiling in alarm. Grinding his teeth, an unhealthy habit he had picked up over the last few years, Heero surveyed the balance of the elevator cart, affirming it was safe and no cables had broken.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"How the hell should I know?" he mumbled, pulling out the emergency phone attached to the panel, "it's just a piece of crap."

"Oh."

He hit the call button on the red phone, and as he held it up to his ear, he couldn't help but wonder why this odd change of events was happening. And as he looked over at Relena, he couldn't help but wonder how she was taking it all. She seemed a bit distressed. Which was putting it lightly, in his mind. However, his attention was averted back to the phone as the call was finally patched through.

"Emergency system manager for elevator number 3345 has been notified of your situation and will assist you within the hour. Please stand by." He heard an automated voice recite to him in five different languages.

"The thing says it should help us out within the hour…" he trailed off as it became more and more apparent that she was, without a doubt, very angry. It was unnerving to see Relena angry. Just like it was unnerving for him to hear strangers talk about their sex life, or hear children crying loudly in public areas.

"Heero, the conference starts in three minuets." Her voice was calm, but eerie at the same time.

"Yeah, I realize that. We're gonna be here for a while, though." He went back to leaning against the elevator wall, patiently folding his arms across his chest.

"I can't miss this." She hissed harshly at him. "No matter how much I hate it, I know I have to go." She clenched the fist resting against her chest even tighter. "_They need me to moderate this._" Though she was mad and though the elevator they stood in was a piece of broken down crap, he couldn't help but realize how much he had missed her through the past years. It was a completely random thought that usually would have been omitted from his mind. But this time, he couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry." He murmured, shifting his weight so that he could look at her directly. The elevator had no distractions for him to focus on, so averting his attention away from her proved to be difficult at best.

"I don't even want to be here." She admitted quietly. "Though, I don't really know where I'd _want_ to be. I feel like an outsider in this country, which I am." She looked up towards Heero. "Though, you seem to fit in nicely…Since I suppose you're Japanese, anyway…"

Heero scowled at her a little, "I may be ethnically, but I don't much care for any part of this country." His scowl shrunk, however, at remembering how miserable she seemed at the moment, and let the touchy subject slide. "Besides…I'm only part, anyway…I guess. Though it doesn't really matter." She nodded, looking despairingly off at a corner of the small box they were imprisoned in.

"I understand."

Silence settled in on them for a few moments as she continued to stare and he continued to scowl at nothing. It was total silence as they stood, bored, and yet, at the same time, dreading the activity life held for them in the form of obligation. Total, and complete silence.

"…I'm getting sick of Jeff, sometimes." Heero glanced back towards her, one eyebrow raised.

"Crossfield?" She nodded her head. "Why?"

"Marriage is hard, Heero. There's so much work involved…"

"Hn. And I was told if there was love, marriage would come naturally." Now it was Relena's turn to scowl.

"Who the hell told you that?" Heero chuckled lightly, realizing what he said probably sounded very absurd to a married woman.

"Duo Maxwell." He said the name as if it was some sort of complicated sounding disease. Relena nodded, smiling a little as she did so.

"I should have known he would have filled your head with odd, idealistic thoughts like that." She shrugged a little. "Though, I suppose he _is_ in love with his wife." Thinking about how happy he and Hilde were turned her smile into a lamenting one. "It's good someone can be happy in this world."

Happiness could come so cheap these days, whether it came in the form of a bottle or a prostitute to Heero, it didn't really matter. It was the role the two played in an odd production of life. To be happy meant everything, and everything meant happiness.

"Relena…Do you love your husband?" he asked, completely honest; completely straightforward. Now it was her turn to do the same. Happiness could not be lied about between the two of them. Too much of each other were known, to fool the other. Her glance was startled, which gave no confidence to the question at all.

"I…" and as hesitation crept into her voice, he knew all too well what this marriage of hers had meant. "…he's my husband."

"But, do you love him?" She was silent for a moment, but not in a moment to collect her thoughts. She was hesitant. He could tell she was confused.

"He's my husband," she repeated, "we're married…He loves me."

"But do you, Relena?" he asked the question again, surprised at his own eagerness to know the answer. The answer mattered. Of course it mattered. But if it was "no", what would that mean to him? Would he become a dramatic lunatic and confess that, all these years, he _had_ been in love with her secretly, but too blind to say so? Could he even admit that to himself? Could she admit she did not love her husband to herself?

"We got married," she murmured, looking downcast and forlorn. "Marriage is supposed to lead to happiness, Heero. But…it didn't." she shook her head, and he could faintly see a glimmer of tears drip down her cheek. "My marriage…it never led to happiness like I had always thought it would."

"You're not naive, Relena…So why? Why believe in something false?" she shook her head dumbly, tears a now continuous river flowing. He made a move forward, planning to comfort her, no matter how awkward the gesture might have been for him. But she beat him to it as she raced forward from her opposite side of the elevator and clutched his black jacket tightly against her own body.

"Re-Relena…"

"_Because_, Heero!" she held on tighter, "Everyone is naive when it comes to their own happiness! I always thought I knew what I wanted…now look at me. I live for my work, and that's it. It's selfish, I know. But I want happiness so badly; sometimes I feel I could die for it." To die for happiness. He felt the same at times. "I've been lying to myself for such a long, _long_ time…" He understood it to be selfish as well, but the desire was so strong, and so powerful…he had to wonder if being selfish was wrong.

And with that moment of doubt came his secret as he pulled her closer to him, their lips barely pressed against each other. But none the less, a kiss was a kiss. This was theirs, if but for one moment in time. It was only one moment, but he felt he could hold onto it forever.

The two could feel the floor move as the elevator rose, having been fixed mere minuets before. But she held on, and his lips didn't stray from hers as they rose to the 58th floor where they were brought back to the harsh reality of politics and life. They pulled away as the doors opened, exposing the inside with the outside noises of chatter and people.

"Vice Foreign Minister," a man said, relived, "we're terribly sorry for the malfunction…!"

"It's alright," she said, stepping out from the elevator. Heero followed closely behind as they both pulled off to the side, away from the crowds of people. They paused life for a few moments and he discreetly placed a hand on her shoulder, beckoning her eyes to look into his.

"Was that…happiness?" he asked her quietly. She opened her mouth to speak, though no words came out. Looking off into the distance into the sun, through the large windows lining the expanseive hallways, she couldn't help but smile a little and lean into his half embrace.

"I…I really don't know, Heero." He had a feeling she did, however. And he had a feeling he knew, as well.

END of "Only One Past to Look On"

TBC in "One More Time"

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Please give me a review...so I know people are actually reading this. Thanks. 


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